the past couple of days.

[soulhorse]

Things have been weird. I don't know how to explain it. I feel...weird. Just weird. Melancholy, nostalgic, angry...weird. I don't know.

We had play rehearsal Monday, and I got to stand in for Aldonza. I wish I had all the time in the world to act because it's such an escape. There's nothing like being someone else for a moment.

Riding, the one thing that used to captivate me most and the thing that made my heart beat, the thing for which I have lived and breathed for my entire life, has lost its appeal for me. It has lost its ability to transform my moods and I've lost my desire to do it, and it's a very sad thing for me. I want to love it, but I can't. I feel like I walked out on my one true love in a drunken stupor, and I don't remember doing it, but I still can't go back home because I don't have a key and the bitch changed the locks.

Tonight I went to the mall and exercised my consumer whore skills. I saw Eroc and Dave, and it made me think about all the people I'll probably never see again. And I don't care. I don't care. The only thing that bothers me is that it doesn't bother me.

I rode my horse for barely twenty minutes tonight but I felt too weighed down to keep going. I can't make Ax carry what I can't carry myself.

I started thinking last night, and a lot of things hit me. It was a very strange feeling. I can't explain it. But I can't believe that everything that has happened in my life thus far has been real. I can't remember how certain things felt, and it makes me long for the days when things made some semblance of sense.

Comments

[absolut-rush.livejournal.com]

I feel like we are in the same boat. in a way.

<3

[kikstartmyheart.livejournal.com]

talk to me woman. Fill me in!
rudechick1@yahoo.com

[barnbabe.livejournal.com]

i know exactly what you mean. it's scary to have something you based your life around suddenly not matter so much... you want to care... you know you "should..." but you can't make yourself...