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Someone asked me a couple nights ago when the last time that I felt truly happy was.
I couldn't remember.
I can't even remember what "happy" feels like. But I thought about it yesterday morning amidst acoustic versions of 80s songs blaring from the radio while I worked. The last time that I was really content was just before I ever started caring about boys, somewhere in my first two years of high school. Back then, people would constantly comment that I was always smiling; that they had never seen me mad or sad. And it was true. I didn't know what sadness was then; I was utterly content. Then came Kyle, and heartbreak, and jadedness, and loss of faith and the operative destruction of my self-esteem. Then came the succession of other guys who systematically and methodically used me up and threw me away. Now I needed validation and I needed to feel wanted; I needed to convince myself that I didn't need guys. So then came the random hook ups and the band conquests and the emptiness. I became sadder and sadder. I didn't know who I was anymore; for the first time, I was confused and I wasn't sure about anything. I felt for the first time what it meant to really not want to get out of bed in the morning. Why do boys complicate everything?
I don't know if my downward spiral is directly correlated to my attraction to Y chromosomes or what, but that's the point in my life that I zeroed in on: before guys mattered, and after. Or should I say, before I ever needed that attention.
In conclusion, I'm becoming a lesbian. Haha, just kidding. But 99% of the time that I'm feeling down, it's because of a guy. Why is that? And when did I ever care? Why do I care? I'm way too young for any of it to matter.
Jolene and I talk every night now, and all we do is sympathize with each others' relationship (...or lack thereof) woes. Tonight she asked me if anyone falls in love anymore. I said I didn't think so. With every guy, it's always the same shit. Mixed signals, waiting and seeing, more mixed signals, jealousy, someone not being straight with the other, lies. I've pretty much given up hope. Maybe genuine, honest people with good intentions only exist in the movies. I need to stop caring. I feel like I'm destined for a life of heartbreak. Like every guy is going to fuck me over, no matter what. I'm going to get married and get fucked over. Get remarried and get fucked over. I just don't see how anything other than that could happen...
We're all waiting for fucking fairy tales. And when the wishes on shooting stars don't come true, it's only going to make the bitter pill of reality that much harder to swallow. The movie romance we all sigh over only provides a starker contrast to the nights spent drinking alone, trying to figure out what's so wrong with you that he can't love you as much as you love him. Why do we always want the ONE thing we can't have? I guess if it was attainable, we wouldn't have the problem in the first place, right?
It's stuff like ( this ) that's so frustrating. Do guys like that even exist?
I shouldn't be this jaded at my age.
I changed my myspace status from "Swinger" to "Single." Things are gonna be different from now on...
I couldn't remember.
I can't even remember what "happy" feels like. But I thought about it yesterday morning amidst acoustic versions of 80s songs blaring from the radio while I worked. The last time that I was really content was just before I ever started caring about boys, somewhere in my first two years of high school. Back then, people would constantly comment that I was always smiling; that they had never seen me mad or sad. And it was true. I didn't know what sadness was then; I was utterly content. Then came Kyle, and heartbreak, and jadedness, and loss of faith and the operative destruction of my self-esteem. Then came the succession of other guys who systematically and methodically used me up and threw me away. Now I needed validation and I needed to feel wanted; I needed to convince myself that I didn't need guys. So then came the random hook ups and the band conquests and the emptiness. I became sadder and sadder. I didn't know who I was anymore; for the first time, I was confused and I wasn't sure about anything. I felt for the first time what it meant to really not want to get out of bed in the morning. Why do boys complicate everything?
I don't know if my downward spiral is directly correlated to my attraction to Y chromosomes or what, but that's the point in my life that I zeroed in on: before guys mattered, and after. Or should I say, before I ever needed that attention.
In conclusion, I'm becoming a lesbian. Haha, just kidding. But 99% of the time that I'm feeling down, it's because of a guy. Why is that? And when did I ever care? Why do I care? I'm way too young for any of it to matter.
Jolene and I talk every night now, and all we do is sympathize with each others' relationship (...or lack thereof) woes. Tonight she asked me if anyone falls in love anymore. I said I didn't think so. With every guy, it's always the same shit. Mixed signals, waiting and seeing, more mixed signals, jealousy, someone not being straight with the other, lies. I've pretty much given up hope. Maybe genuine, honest people with good intentions only exist in the movies. I need to stop caring. I feel like I'm destined for a life of heartbreak. Like every guy is going to fuck me over, no matter what. I'm going to get married and get fucked over. Get remarried and get fucked over. I just don't see how anything other than that could happen...
We're all waiting for fucking fairy tales. And when the wishes on shooting stars don't come true, it's only going to make the bitter pill of reality that much harder to swallow. The movie romance we all sigh over only provides a starker contrast to the nights spent drinking alone, trying to figure out what's so wrong with you that he can't love you as much as you love him. Why do we always want the ONE thing we can't have? I guess if it was attainable, we wouldn't have the problem in the first place, right?
It's stuff like ( this ) that's so frustrating. Do guys like that even exist?
I shouldn't be this jaded at my age.
I changed my myspace status from "Swinger" to "Single." Things are gonna be different from now on...
