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I just realized that I never actually write in this journal. I always have so much to say but never have the time or energy to say it, and my deadjournal is reserved for mindless day-to-day accounts of my life.
Vanessa made me school Big Red today. Amanda and I each had to ride two, and we would have ridden more but we're lazy. Anyway, it made me realize how much I miss riding the thoroughbreds. When Dianne owned Holloway, I'd be on and off horses all day. And not just horses- crazy thoroughbreds fresh off the track that would be off at full gallop bucking and rearing every time a leaf hit the ground. I really miss it. I miss being the best rider at a barn, haha. It was always, "This horse is acting up." "Put Emily on it." or "My horse just bucked me off. Emily, will you ride him?" I always had to gallop the TBs around the track to tire them out for their owners (who probably should not have owned TBs in the first place). It was amazing. I was useful for something. Oh, nostalgia. I'd kill for a job breezing racehorses. Vanessa says she'll hook me up.
Also, I've been questioning my motives when it comes to guys. I feel like maybe this isn't enough. And maybe, just maybe, this is a secret, vain attempt to obtain what I do want. And it's not working, obviously. I'm not so much using it as validation but as a means to make them love for me, even just for 10 minutes.
Whatever. I don't know.
I just don't understand why I push away nice, good-looking, smart guys who are blatantly into me. Like John. He calls me three times a day asking if he can buy me dinner! And I'm totally cuntilicious to him, and to several other guys in the same situation. I think I only like guys I can't have or something. It's backwards.
In closing, I'm an idiot.
Vanessa made me school Big Red today. Amanda and I each had to ride two, and we would have ridden more but we're lazy. Anyway, it made me realize how much I miss riding the thoroughbreds. When Dianne owned Holloway, I'd be on and off horses all day. And not just horses- crazy thoroughbreds fresh off the track that would be off at full gallop bucking and rearing every time a leaf hit the ground. I really miss it. I miss being the best rider at a barn, haha. It was always, "This horse is acting up." "Put Emily on it." or "My horse just bucked me off. Emily, will you ride him?" I always had to gallop the TBs around the track to tire them out for their owners (who probably should not have owned TBs in the first place). It was amazing. I was useful for something. Oh, nostalgia. I'd kill for a job breezing racehorses. Vanessa says she'll hook me up.
Also, I've been questioning my motives when it comes to guys. I feel like maybe this isn't enough. And maybe, just maybe, this is a secret, vain attempt to obtain what I do want. And it's not working, obviously. I'm not so much using it as validation but as a means to make them love for me, even just for 10 minutes.
Whatever. I don't know.
I just don't understand why I push away nice, good-looking, smart guys who are blatantly into me. Like John. He calls me three times a day asking if he can buy me dinner! And I'm totally cuntilicious to him, and to several other guys in the same situation. I think I only like guys I can't have or something. It's backwards.
In closing, I'm an idiot.
