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ramblings.
Jan. 12th, 2005 09:42 pmThis was actually a conversation I had with Victoria last night. I just took out everything that she said. It's really choppy because of that.
I need to stop falling in love with every boy.
I just want to live in my QUIET little bubble. I hate raising my voice.
You know what hit me the other day? It's 2005. And I'm a junior in high school. I was writing my grade down on something. And I'm in 11th grade. Where have I been my whole life? I waited my whole life to be in high school. I watched Saved By the Bell and read Sweet Valley High. And my life is nothing like that. I feel like I've done nothing.
And love. I was thinking about that last night. And it was all very strange. I felt...weird. I can't explain it at all; I just know how I felt. And it's not a feeling I can describe. Not bad...just weird. Like I can't remember how it felt. To go to bed every night knowing that someone loved me. And now I'm not sure if even realized it then. But it all seems so unreal. Like none of it ever actually happened. And for the first time, I wanted to talk to him. To ask him if it really happened. I think I had no idea as to what was going on around me over the past year.
I feel like I miss out because I'm crazy. I just go through every day looking at the clock every two minutes, waiting for it to be over. I'm always just...getting through. I'm just surviving. And there's more to life than just surviving. When I saw ____ tonight, he was with ____. And I thought of all the people I'll probably never see again. When you break up with a person, you don't just break up with THEM. That's the hardest part. You break up with Nana Rose and Shadow and Never Look Back and Auntie Kathy and 591 Pleasant St. I feel complete emptiness towards Kyle. Like I couldn't care if I ever saw him again. And it's not because I hate him at all. I just don't care. I've never felt so much NOTHING towards someone/something. And yet he was the one person I felt the most about at one point. He was my EVERYTHING. That was the hardest part for him. He said he went from being my everything, to nothing. And it's true. I shut him off like a switch. It's like a light. It's either on, or it's off; no in between. And he went from being on at full power, to complete darkness. I don't know. I think I'm just an empty shell. I don't know. I guess some people just connect. It's mostly physical, I think. As unromantic as that is. I fall in love too easily. I think I sort of fell in love with _____, even though I was telling myself the whole time that I was being stupid. Which I was. But I couldn't stop myself from feeling it. Like, I was giddy for like two days. And I NEVER feel like that. I felt so good; I wanted to tell the world.
I don't think I even felt that with Kyle. I might have, a bit, at the beginning, but not like that. But the feeling fades. You try to hold on to it. But talking leads to touching. And touching leads to sex. And then there is no mystery left. But you keep trying to hold on, and then it turns into this weird...clingy thing. But it's not really clingy. It just is, inside. And you want more and more. But nothing is ever like that first hit. I don't know. But my best friend of the past year is dead and I don't care. The only thing that bothers me about it is that it doesn't bother me. It's not really a sad thing. It's just...I don't know. Nostalgically melancholy. I've been overwhelmingly hopeless lately. Today especially. I have lots of people. That's not the hopeless part.
Last night I broke an $80 pair of reins. I'm an idiot. But I'm in love with my new Sauconies.
I want to meet someone who knows when to speak and when to not say anything at all. I want to meet someone who will take the train into Boston with me just to see all the different people.
But when is it too early to accept the signs?
Should you ever accept the signs?
I need to stop falling in love with every boy.
I just want to live in my QUIET little bubble. I hate raising my voice.
You know what hit me the other day? It's 2005. And I'm a junior in high school. I was writing my grade down on something. And I'm in 11th grade. Where have I been my whole life? I waited my whole life to be in high school. I watched Saved By the Bell and read Sweet Valley High. And my life is nothing like that. I feel like I've done nothing.
And love. I was thinking about that last night. And it was all very strange. I felt...weird. I can't explain it at all; I just know how I felt. And it's not a feeling I can describe. Not bad...just weird. Like I can't remember how it felt. To go to bed every night knowing that someone loved me. And now I'm not sure if even realized it then. But it all seems so unreal. Like none of it ever actually happened. And for the first time, I wanted to talk to him. To ask him if it really happened. I think I had no idea as to what was going on around me over the past year.
I feel like I miss out because I'm crazy. I just go through every day looking at the clock every two minutes, waiting for it to be over. I'm always just...getting through. I'm just surviving. And there's more to life than just surviving. When I saw ____ tonight, he was with ____. And I thought of all the people I'll probably never see again. When you break up with a person, you don't just break up with THEM. That's the hardest part. You break up with Nana Rose and Shadow and Never Look Back and Auntie Kathy and 591 Pleasant St. I feel complete emptiness towards Kyle. Like I couldn't care if I ever saw him again. And it's not because I hate him at all. I just don't care. I've never felt so much NOTHING towards someone/something. And yet he was the one person I felt the most about at one point. He was my EVERYTHING. That was the hardest part for him. He said he went from being my everything, to nothing. And it's true. I shut him off like a switch. It's like a light. It's either on, or it's off; no in between. And he went from being on at full power, to complete darkness. I don't know. I think I'm just an empty shell. I don't know. I guess some people just connect. It's mostly physical, I think. As unromantic as that is. I fall in love too easily. I think I sort of fell in love with _____, even though I was telling myself the whole time that I was being stupid. Which I was. But I couldn't stop myself from feeling it. Like, I was giddy for like two days. And I NEVER feel like that. I felt so good; I wanted to tell the world.
I don't think I even felt that with Kyle. I might have, a bit, at the beginning, but not like that. But the feeling fades. You try to hold on to it. But talking leads to touching. And touching leads to sex. And then there is no mystery left. But you keep trying to hold on, and then it turns into this weird...clingy thing. But it's not really clingy. It just is, inside. And you want more and more. But nothing is ever like that first hit. I don't know. But my best friend of the past year is dead and I don't care. The only thing that bothers me about it is that it doesn't bother me. It's not really a sad thing. It's just...I don't know. Nostalgically melancholy. I've been overwhelmingly hopeless lately. Today especially. I have lots of people. That's not the hopeless part.
Last night I broke an $80 pair of reins. I'm an idiot. But I'm in love with my new Sauconies.
I want to meet someone who knows when to speak and when to not say anything at all. I want to meet someone who will take the train into Boston with me just to see all the different people.
But when is it too early to accept the signs?
Should you ever accept the signs?
