![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soulhorseI've had a lot of thoughts flying around in my head over the past few days, and I want to get them out.
First of all, I'm sorry to everyone for being so melodramatic.
Last night in the few moments sandwiched between consciousness and subconsciousness, I was on the brink of figuring everything out. Then my phone rang on my bedside table and I lost it.
How do feelings so strong make the body so weak?
I think now that I've figured out what it is that I really want, and what I've been looking for all this time, and more importantly, now that I've allowed myself it...I've pushed achieving it further away than ever.
Today was my one-year anniversary at work. My boss took me out to lunch. Time goes by so fast.
My aunt wrote me an email.
You are a doll, and a "hot" sweet guy is out there
with your name tattooed on his ass. Trust me, you Two
will find each other when the time is right.
Em, Your life is not falling apart. I know, I know, it sure as Hell feels that way right now. But Honey,You just need to
get your shit together, take control of your life, and do what you KNOW is right !
You can choose to dwell baby, or you can choose to be
a woman. Life hands this crap to every woman alive at
one time or another. How you deal with it, will prove just
what kind of woman you are.
Remember this. A woman is like a tea bag.
You never know how strong she is, untill she gets into
hot water.
I'm here if you need me babe. You are loved. And don't
you ever forget that !
is why she's awesome.
She reminds of like...a black motivational speaker. Haha.
The fact of the matter is that flirting, hooking up, first kisses, boys...it's all a drug. Love is a drug. Those little lightning bolts I feel with every strand of hair swept back from my face. The tingles up and down my spine. The obvious feelings of euphoria. Not knowing what will happen. Frantic kisses; can't get enough. It's a drug to me. I thought that I just fall in love easily (which means my heart gets broken easily), but that's not the case. I'm just addicted to a feeling, and I don't want to let go of a fix.
"I look through my camera at the man and I can almost feel the veins in my own arms twitch-twitching with wanting. In a way the junkies aren't so much different from me or maybe from everybody. I guess in a way Angel Juan is my fix and I've been jonesing for him. If he were a needle I'd be shooting up just like these jittery junkies. I'd be flooding my veins with Angel Juan."
"When you're in love, your brain secretes endorphins into your blood. Organic morphine leaks out of a gland in your skull, feels like a low-grade opium rush. Some people confuse the two, the head rush and the love. You think you're in love with a person, but you're in love with a syringe. Skin like liquid silk, hair, eyes, laugh, smile, impulses, trust, confidence, curves, perfume, sweat, affection, but still a syringe. You're high and hooked, and soon comes the more, more, more: marriage, career, mortgage, children, school, it's harder and harder to feel that rush... You look for new hooks, new fixes, something for that more, more, more. Some people burn their lives to the ground doing so, fodder for talk radio and daytime television. These same people assail the evils of drugs and urine-test their own children."
I also think it's weird, and sad, and wrong that someone who you trusted more than anyone and vice versa, and someone who you felt infinitely close to, can become a total stranger in a split second. With a click of a mouse, in this case. But it has happened before, and it will happen again. And then there are those people that you're close to, but one little incident, and yeah, you still talk to them, but a door is closed somewhere. They never look at you the same way, you never connect with them the same way. The one thing you loved about them is closed to you forever. Christ, I'm crying right now. I miss it. I misshim. I miss them.
"I used to think that only death would take someone away from me. But I had learned that so many lesser things can steal someone away, just as completely, just as forever. They live, they breathe, but you never get to touch them, you never see them nude, you never wake up to their smile, the smell of their skin on your sheets. There are things so much less dramatic than death that are just as permanent."
First of all, I'm sorry to everyone for being so melodramatic.
Last night in the few moments sandwiched between consciousness and subconsciousness, I was on the brink of figuring everything out. Then my phone rang on my bedside table and I lost it.
How do feelings so strong make the body so weak?
I think now that I've figured out what it is that I really want, and what I've been looking for all this time, and more importantly, now that I've allowed myself it...I've pushed achieving it further away than ever.
Today was my one-year anniversary at work. My boss took me out to lunch. Time goes by so fast.
My aunt wrote me an email.
You are a doll, and a "hot" sweet guy is out there
with your name tattooed on his ass. Trust me, you Two
will find each other when the time is right.
Em, Your life is not falling apart. I know, I know, it sure as Hell feels that way right now. But Honey,You just need to
get your shit together, take control of your life, and do what you KNOW is right !
You can choose to dwell baby, or you can choose to be
a woman. Life hands this crap to every woman alive at
one time or another. How you deal with it, will prove just
what kind of woman you are.
Remember this. A woman is like a tea bag.
You never know how strong she is, untill she gets into
hot water.
I'm here if you need me babe. You are loved. And don't
you ever forget that !
is why she's awesome.
She reminds of like...a black motivational speaker. Haha.
The fact of the matter is that flirting, hooking up, first kisses, boys...it's all a drug. Love is a drug. Those little lightning bolts I feel with every strand of hair swept back from my face. The tingles up and down my spine. The obvious feelings of euphoria. Not knowing what will happen. Frantic kisses; can't get enough. It's a drug to me. I thought that I just fall in love easily (which means my heart gets broken easily), but that's not the case. I'm just addicted to a feeling, and I don't want to let go of a fix.
"I look through my camera at the man and I can almost feel the veins in my own arms twitch-twitching with wanting. In a way the junkies aren't so much different from me or maybe from everybody. I guess in a way Angel Juan is my fix and I've been jonesing for him. If he were a needle I'd be shooting up just like these jittery junkies. I'd be flooding my veins with Angel Juan."
"When you're in love, your brain secretes endorphins into your blood. Organic morphine leaks out of a gland in your skull, feels like a low-grade opium rush. Some people confuse the two, the head rush and the love. You think you're in love with a person, but you're in love with a syringe. Skin like liquid silk, hair, eyes, laugh, smile, impulses, trust, confidence, curves, perfume, sweat, affection, but still a syringe. You're high and hooked, and soon comes the more, more, more: marriage, career, mortgage, children, school, it's harder and harder to feel that rush... You look for new hooks, new fixes, something for that more, more, more. Some people burn their lives to the ground doing so, fodder for talk radio and daytime television. These same people assail the evils of drugs and urine-test their own children."
I also think it's weird, and sad, and wrong that someone who you trusted more than anyone and vice versa, and someone who you felt infinitely close to, can become a total stranger in a split second. With a click of a mouse, in this case. But it has happened before, and it will happen again. And then there are those people that you're close to, but one little incident, and yeah, you still talk to them, but a door is closed somewhere. They never look at you the same way, you never connect with them the same way. The one thing you loved about them is closed to you forever. Christ, I'm crying right now. I miss it. I miss
"I used to think that only death would take someone away from me. But I had learned that so many lesser things can steal someone away, just as completely, just as forever. They live, they breathe, but you never get to touch them, you never see them nude, you never wake up to their smile, the smell of their skin on your sheets. There are things so much less dramatic than death that are just as permanent."
